How do I discuss pensions with my soon-to-be-ex?
5 Evidence-based tips for a tough Conversation
When emotions are running high, conversations about money can feel overwhelming. Yet pensions are often the largest or second-largest asset in a marriage. If they’re ignored in divorce negotiations, one party is in danger of ending up significantly worse off in retirement.
These five principles, rooted in psychology and family mediation research, can help you approach these challenging conversations more constructively.
1. Use neutral, non-triggering language
Psychologists who work with high-conflict couples agree: the words you choose matter. Phrases like “You owe me” or “I deserve” or “my pension” are likely to raise defences and escalate tension.
Try instead:
“I’ve learned that pensions are usually considered joint assets during marriage. I think it’s important we look at that together.”
This kind of neutral, fact-based framing keeps the focus on mutually beneficial problem-solving.
2. Understand the role of a PODE - and use it to shift the tone
A PODE (Pensions on Divorce Expert) is an impartial, court-recognised professional who analyses the pension assets and helps determine a fair division. They don’t “take sides” and are legally required to represent the interests of both parties, regardless of who instructed them.
A good PODE report will:
Break down what each pension is worth
Identify which parts are marital
Explore equalisation or offsetting options
Present findings in clear, court-ready language
Sharing this kind of ‘factual’ information can help move the discussion from emotional to evidential and that’s a win for both of you.
3. Frame pensions as joint assets - because they are
Many people instinctively view pensions as individual property. “It’s my pension, I worked for it.” Makes sense. We all have what psychology calls an ‘Ownership Bias’.
But courts treat pensions earned during the marriage as shared, just like the house or savings.
The logic? Marriage is a partnership. One person may have earned more, but both made contributions, through work, caregiving, or supporting each other’s careers.
4. Bring in a Mediator if the conversation becomes too inflamed
If you attempt the pension conversation and despite best efforts it deteriorates into conflict, it may be time to get professional help. A mediator is a trained neutral who can help both of you have your say, keep things civil, and guide you toward agreement. If they can, they will try to keep matters out of court.
They can also suggest bringing in a PODE as a joint expert, which keeps the process transparent and reduces suspicion.
5. Timing is everything
Even the most important topics won’t land well if raised at the wrong moment. Plan ahead.
Clinical psychologists recommend:
Agreeing in advance on a time to talk
Setting a time limit
Opening with something non-confrontational, like:
“I want us both to be secure in the future. Could we set aside 30 minutes this week to talk about pensions?”
You’re more likely to be heard and to make progress.
The Bottom Line
Talking about pension sharing during divorce can feel daunting but it doesn’t have to be destructive.
With the right language, support, and information you can turn a difficult topic into a constructive step forward.
This isn’t just about money. It’s about fairness and your future security.
How well you both handle this moment could shape that for years to come.